The Outer Limits: ESPN Grammar

If you haven’t noticed, we’re in the middle of The Black Hole of Sports. These few days are as torturous as they are dull for the average sports fan.

My Marlins stink, the Dolphins, Panthers and Canes don’t stink yet because the season hasn’t started yet and the Heat will only start their magical and majestic campaign for universal dominance in the Fall.

So till then, what’s left?

World Cup? Only in four years now.

British Open? Yea…I wasn’t going to wake up at 5 AM to watch that…

Le Tour de France? Unless that’s a dessert, I’m not interested.

So what’s left? Nothing really. Except conspiracy theories.

After hours of extensive research both online and a visit to the local library I have come to the conclusion that ESPN is slowly trying to create their own language, a perverse distortion of our present day American English.

I will discuss, elaborate and prove without any reasonable doubt that ESPN and their “experts” and “analysts” have a socialistic hidden agenda to destroy our precious history of literature, grammar, and culture.

 I will point out how a certain individual that works at ESPN is knowingly and intentionally making these grammatical “mistakes.”

What’s that? There’s a more logical explanation? It’s true that some believe that the motivation behind is not a constructed hidden agenda, but rather one of these other two motives:

1) unconsciously doing so and just a result of stupidity and ignorance.

2) complete and utter apathy for America and everything it values.

These are good explanations, I won’t deny them. But let me elaborate the evident decadence of the English language at ESPN. Also noting that I am a graduate of literature, linguistics and all things about words.

Every human knows at least one language, spoken or signed. Words in languages are finite, but sentences are not. It is this creative aspect of human language that sets it apart from animal languages. The rules of a language, also called grammar, are learned as one acquires a language. These rules include phonology, the sound system, morphology, the structure of words, syntax, the combination of words into sentences, semantics, the ways in which sounds and meanings are related, and the lexicon, or mental dictionary of words. Knowing a language encompasses this entire system, and must be followed to not sound like a moron. .

(If you read all that, I am sorry)

Given the above knowledge, it becomes clear that everyone at ESPN is not naturally idiotic, but rather is hiding behind the idiot-mask purposefully with the clear intent on destroying  the American English language as we know it and create their own to further advance their dominance in sports and television ratings.

They’re drunk with power that is further fueled by the Mouse-shaped hypocrisy that owns them.

Below is definite proof of everything I have stated above. I will keep it short and to the point.

You draw your own conclusions.

Ladies & Gentlemen, I present to you, the leader of the ESPN’s evil master plan, Mr. Emmitt Smith:

“And when defense felt my will, it was a total different game then.”

“That offense does… do look good.”

“As my offense get better, my defense is goin be that much more better.”

“The way you perform make them feel about you different.”

“He gets the ball over to their third read than most quarterback can.”

“I’m concerned about a guy who fall down before get hits.”

“Tom Brady is buyin’ time for his lineman.”

“Reggie Bush is definitely effective. Just not tonight.” (Bush was inactive)

“It takes a coach who know how to communicate.”

“This will get you completely blowed out.”

“And then he come back and throw another pass and he drop it.”

“The leadership definitely have to come from the leaders.”

“Last year there was a lot of things the Colts had to address. They couldn’t stop the run… and all those… that was one of the biggest things they had to address.”

“If it slip in Week 1, it slip in Week 8.”

“You cannot change the stripes of a leopard.”

“Wade Phillips have not had time to insert this.”

“”I think it’s his self-confidence in himself that make him so confident”

“Some of those things are not Drew Brees’s's’ fault.”

“The defense feel like they have to score points defensively in order to win game… games.”

“Vince Young is not a passing quarterback. He do not stay in the pocket and he runs.”

“How come you this cannot continue on throughout the rest of the season?”

Yep, you know it. They are part of ESPN's master plan.

“The strength of the Patriots, their offense, got… debacled.”

Don’t be fooled, Mr. Smith, is not alone, there are plenty of ESPN minions  that could be mentioned in his place, but I won’t. Out of mercy, I will stop.

Did your mind just “blowed” up?

Yes. This is what The Outer Limits of Sports is all about.

You’re welcome.