The Outer Limits: Ultimate NFL Prediction

Vol. V

* Special thanks to Grue and his special contribution. We are all honored you shared your amazing wisdom with us. Thank you.

Did anyone see this past Sunday’s preseason game between the Dallas Cowboys and the Cincinnati Bengals?

I’m as anxious for the NFL season to start as the next guy but it still seems weird watching a game at the beginning of August…

If you watched the entire game, you probably have no life and/or female companion, because really, who cared?!

Romo threw six passes, the  Bengals did nothing for the entire first half and the rest of the game was dominated by no name players who have “Bench” tattooed on their face.

But anyways, it got me thinking…

By now, we’ve started seeing some predictions coming out, most of them by so called experts and analysts. Which is only normal, since we are always curious as to what will happen next.

But most, if not all, are always dead wrong in their predictions…..till now.

I have devised the perfect, ultimate NFL prediction formula that is fail-proof and comes with a money back guarantee. Adding to this is the fact that I’m never wrong (Remember I called Lebron to Miami months ago).

Let me explain how this will work.

1) I have ranked the teams by their 2009 regular season record into a 32-team format, with no divisions nor conferences.

2) I will then analyze match-ups in a NCAA Tournament-type  seeding.

3) You will be amazed and thankful.

ROUND 1

Region A

1) Indianapolis Colts VS  32) St. Louis Rams - Despite the wicked horns, the Rams are giving up about a 1,000 pounds each and won’t be able to slow the running game, neither can they match the speed. Colts win big. 

16) Carolina Panthers VS 17) Denver Broncos – The predator aspect is key here, but Panthers are usually lone hunters, what chemistry issues would arise when working together? Unless we consider them to be the militant group from the 60′s…Meanwhile the Broncos are just horses. Panthers win.

9) Cincinnati Bengals VS 24) Buffalo Bills – Bengals are another solitary animal forced to now work in a group. However, they should have no trouble with the Bills…I know what a buffalo is  but they aren’t the Buffalo Buffaloes.  A Bill is a piece of paper used for money.  A bill is a duck’s pie hole.  And their mascot is a stupid, hairy Barney. I’m thinking a Bengal tiger rips that fuzzball to shreds.

8 ) Arizona Cardinals VS 25) Cleveland Browns – I’d normally give the edge to the Cardinals, despite being a pretty stupid and tame red bird, however after watching the episode where Cleveland explodes after Quagmire cheats with his wife, I think he can get pretty vicious. Browns win.

Region B

4) Minnesota Vikings VS 29) Washington Redskins  – Though both are extinct human species, one was definitely the more aggressive warrior.  We need to consult that TV show ” Ultimate Warrior”. The arrow > spear. The sword, ax, shield > tomahawk. The Redskins on horses though provide the advantage for the cavalry. Redskins.

15) Pittsburgh Steelers VS 18) New York Giants – Dungeons and Dragons state that Giants have 75 Hit points and do +26 damage or something equally gay. Meanwhile the Steelers are men of steel, though I believe, normal-sized. Ultimately, despite their resilience, the Steelers would get crushed.

10) New England Patriots VS 23) Miami Dolphins – The Dolphins are one of the smartest animals on earth, but it is the Patriots who defeated the entire British Empire. And they have guns.

7) Philadelphia Eagles VS 26) Oakland Raiders – Majestic and powerful bird who may have the upper hand depending on how drunk the Raiders slobs  are, which is more often than not. Eagles, on the other hand are great in the second half.  They can come back at any point and strike quickly.  Just like that one game against Extinction.

Region C

3) San Diego Chargers VS 30) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Ever see someone stand up to lightning? Guess whose ship gets set on fire?

14) New York Jets VS 19)San Francisco 49ers – F16s have missiles, old miners have pick axes. Picture a bunch of old guys sifting through a stream and getting a bunch of JDAMs dropped on them. Like the Taliban without guns.

11) Atlanta Falcons VS 22) Jacksonville Jaguars – Both are predators, both have their advantages and disadvantages. The Falcons don’t have teeth and the Jaguars can’t fly. But we’ve seen this game before, haven’t we? Just ask Sylvester if he’s ever beaten Tweety.

6) Green Bay Packers VS  27)Seattle Sea hawks – Packers (named for the Indian Packing Company in 1919) aren’t that impressive, but since the Seahawks are the retarded cousins of  predatory birds, this makes it  a tough call. I imagine human ingenuity would persevere in this one.

Region D

2) New Orleans Saints VS  31) Detroit Lions – Saints have God’s blessing, but the Lions are God’s creatures. They met up once and Daniel won, but I’m pretty sure the Lions won every other match…besides you’d have to be dead to be a Saint. BOOM!

13) Houston Texans VS 20) Tennessee Titans – Great match-up here. The classic Greek Titans have an obvious size and superpower advantage. But let’s consider who the Texans have, none other than Walker Texas Ranger and William Munny. “I’ve killed women and children. I’ve killed everything that walks or crawls at one time or another. And I’m here to kill you, Little Bill, for what you done to Ned.” …WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

12) Baltimore Ravens VS 21) Chicago Bears – The Ravens aren’t that much of a threat, however if you consider Poe’s poems, then they certainly are added a more scary and sinister side. However, I don’t think there’s much Bears fear.

5) Dallas Cowboys VS 28) Kansas City Chiefs – Ah, the classic battle once again laid out for us to watch. Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, Woody and Co. are a tough bunch to defeat. Too tough for Sitting Bull, Geronimo and Chief Wiggum.

ROUND OF 16

Region 1

1) Indianapolis Colts VS 16) Carolina Panthers – After defeating the Broncos, once again the Panthers face more horses, so they should be well prepared and ready for the upset.

9) Cincinnati Bengals VS 25) Cleveland Browns – As mad as Cleveland Brown may be, or Jim Brown, or a brown dog, or whatever, they’d still get mauled by a Bengal tiger’s claws  and teeth.

Region 2

29) Washington Redskins VS 18) New York Giants – The Giants’ size and power has been established, while as brave as the Redskins may be, if they couldn’t take down the Cartwright family in Bonanza, what makes you think they’ll take down Gulliver?

10)New England  Patriots VS 7) Philadelphia Eagles – There is plenty of respect here. I can just imagine… The National Anthem probably plays DURING the game, not before.  Patriots aim their rifles and just… can’t… pull the trigger.  It’d be  un-american. The Eagles, meanwhile, do not have the 18th century man as THEIR symbol of national pride. They have no reservations to gouge out eyes.

Region 3

3)San Diego Chargers VS 14) New York Jets - A lightning bolt does little to no damage to a flying airplane. The same can be said for the Jet’s ability to inflict damage. Since the pilots are IFR trained and can successfully navigate storms, the game goes to the last second, where Keading misses a field goal and the Jets win.

11) Atlanta Falcons VS 6) Green Bay Packers – This has boring written all over it. Since the Falcons are superior to the Sea-hawks, the Packers may have a bit more trouble here. Edge goes to the team who got rid of Favre the quickest.

Region 4

31) Detroit  Lions VS 13) Houston Texans – As ferocious as Lions are, the Texans are quick shooters. But a lion is just a Texas house cat since every thing’s bigger in Texas…oh, and they also have zoos in Texas, and guess who’s in them?

21) Chicago Bears VS 5) Dallas Cowboys - “I’ve killed women and children. I’ve killed everything that walks or crawls at one time or another. And I’m here to kill you, Little Bill, for what you done to Ned.” BOOM. Roasted. Next.

QUARTER-FINALS

16) Carolina Panthers VS 9) Cincinnati Bengals – A sweet match-up of feline predators that any National Geographic fan would love to see. The Bengals have a weight and power advantage that I don’t see the Panthers overcoming.

18) New York Giants VS 7) Philadelphia Eagles – According to Dungeons & Dragons, adult giants are accomplished rock throwers and receive a +1 racial bonus on attack rolls when throwing rocks. A giant of at least Large size can hurl rocks weighing 40 to 50 pounds each (and other small objects) up to five range increments. Pwned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

14) New York Jets VS 11) Atlanta Falcons – An interesting aerial battle between the NY Jets and the Air Force Falcons. Unfortunately, the battle with the smaller Atlanta breed becomes lopsided very quickly when the Falcons are reduced to kamikaze tactics, attacking the windows and engines, leaving none alive for the second half.

13) Houston Texans VS 5) Dallas Cowboys – My head just exploded. There is pure awesomeness on both sides. I think we need a Venn Diagram. Not all cowboys are Texans but not all Texans are cowboys either. There are many fat people, females and illegal immigrants in Texas  that ultimately will bring down that group. 
 

SEMI-FINALS

9) Cincinnati Bengals VS 18) New York Giants – Sure the tiger mauled Sigfried and Roy, but I highly doubt the tiger would do the same with Andre the Giant. Rather, he’d just take them to the vet and neuter them as Bob Barker has been telling us for the past century. Giants trample their way into the finals by eating the likes of  Tony the Tiger for breakfast.  They’re grrrreat!

14) New York Jets VS 5) Dallas Cowboys -  One thing Mr. Eastwood couldn’t kill? A super-sonic metal air vehicle travelling at 15,000 feet while dropping heat like Roseanne after a bad Taco Bell meal. Horses get skittish as the Jets strafe the ground and soar by at Mach 2 and lassos are launched into the air and fall harmlessly on the ground. Lessons of World War II hold true as air superiority defeats cavalry. 

SUPER BOWL MATCH

New York Giants VS New York Jets

The Finals would look like something that should be directed by Michael Bay & Ridley Scott’s love-child  inside the City of New York. The Giants negate the range advantage of the Jets by roaming through the City streets causing mayhem. The Jets are reluctant to use traditional munitions, fearing heavy civilian casualties, though they bombarded New Jersey for no apparent reason.

Meanwhile, parked cars, signposts and subway cars  become impromptu projectiles. Fortunately, for the Jets, the Giants aim is poor, and they end up striking New Jersey as well. The Giants strike first by climbing skyscrapers and hurling concrete and poo like King Kong. Peter Jackson sues and demands residuals. The Jets counter with laser-guided precision, picking the Giants off the structures and sending them plummeting.

The Giants may be stupid, but they’re not dumb. They quickly seek shelter in the new Yankees Stadium, the only place with a hall large enough for their massive bodies. Steinbrenner corners the Giants in his office and offers them multi-year contracts to play baseball. The Giants give up their war of attrition against the Jets to join the Yankees, get tested positive for steroids, apologize and win the World Series.

Jets win the Super Bowl though, Mark Sanchez wins MVP and is crowned GOAT.

And Rex Ryan eats the rest of New Jersey.